You can change things
Thoughtful relating is a direct, to the point exercise based program to change the way you communicate, and create healthier relationships
Did you think that your relationship would be this difficult? Don’t worry – you are not alone. What you are going through is actually quite normal. Relationships are very difficult, and unless you both had the perfect example of a healthy and thoughtful marriage from your parents, you don’t know how to do it.
Did you parents’s show patience with you when you were emotional? Did they ask you what you needed and encourage you to not only identify what you needed relationally, but also to ask for it? And did they respond to your needs by changing their hurtful behavior? Or did they invalidate your needs. Did they send the message that feelings weren’t accepted. That if you cried you were weak. Or were they just emotionally abusive. Calling you names when you were upset, putting you down. Attacking you when you tried to express something you didn’t like. Maybe criticism and contempt was their normal mode of parenting. Maybe they made you submit and suppress your natural feelings and desires. Maybe they were emotional toddlers and their emotions would take over yours, and caused you to shut down. And take it.
Or maybe you suffered through enmeshment trauma. What is that? It’s when couples can’t see the other person as separate. When you think your partner should think like you, feel like you, or want the same thing you do. It’s when your partner might have a different opinion or perspective and you just can’t validate it. It’s when you just assume that your partner will know what you know, and feel what you feel. It’s setting expectations internally that don’t get met because they weren’t SPOKEN. It’s when you don’t respond to what your partner needs because you think the requests are wrong, or stupid, or not-important. It’s when you put yourself at the center of the universe and ignore the needs of your partner.
And now you have found yourself and your partner doing the exact same things. You were programmed to repeat these hurtful patterns. You can’t just change them on your own. You both need help. It’s not too late to turn your love story around. How you communicate is so foundational to your relationship that it means everything.